Five crucial life lessons that I’ve learned from R. Kelly’s black panties

R. Kelly used to be just high on narcissism (The Worlds Greatest) and mushrooms (I believe I can fly). But the mastermind is back with his new, deep and spiritual album: Black Panties. This time he dedicated his almighty wise words to the ladies.

1. The song Cookie compares an Oreo cookie with a vagina. Trust me, this makes women never ever wanting to lick white stuff again! The idea of dipping crunchy, round-shaped sweetness in full fat milk makes me sick now. But this is R. Kelly’s mission! His strategy makes us totally skinny. And our new body is more suitable for walking around half-naked in the house to dust off furniture, like we should. This is a total win-win situation.

2. The song Show Your Pussy is about exposing your vagina. When you like to go to a party with your friends to dance a little and have a drink, you are actually a total whore. You have to show your private parts and join orgies because you totally asked for that.

3. The song Marry The Pussy is about R. Kelly going on his knees for the pussy. And he doesn’t mean popping that question to his fat old house cat. He describes the female parts as if they are able to have great conversations and a strong friendship. I got some flashbacks to a Thailand Ping-Pong show, when he starts to describe how his pussy talks, sings and strips for him. Anyways, I always thought that cats bring home dead mice for their owner. R. Kelly taught me that a good pussy brings home another good pussy for a man. In case he feels like it.

4. In the song Every Position R. Kelly explains that he doesn’t have a favourite position, he likes them ALL! And in case you don’t know all the possibilities? He will just turn and twist your body around, and you can only leave the room once you have finished the complete routine. If you are the lucky one that is being nursed by this doctor Kama sutra, you should feel really special. He could have called loads of other flexible pussy owners within his phonebook.

5. R. Kelly and Kelly R. taught me that their names totally match together in the song All The Way. And that they have lot’s in common! They sing about their mutual sex addiction, which is cute. They also taught me that cheating is totally acceptable if you can’t help being obsessed with physical contact.